Depression: a story filled with questions
A long-life relationship
She is silent. Sometimes, you don’t even see her. She permeates into our souls, our days, our lives. And she remains there, immobile, constant, present.
Yes, I know her well. She was my best companion during my teenage years. She caressed my hair and often, I felt like she made fun of me. I couldn’t share it with anyone. Mainly because I didn’t even know what was happening to me.
Throughout different periods of my life, she became more intense. I tried as much as I could to shake her off, but didn’t manage. And just like that, time kept on going and I think that I learnt how to live with her. When she came out, I just hugged her.
She made me stay in bed. I felt exhausted, hopeless and burnt. Even if there was no external factor around me that initiated it, the constant tears just fired out of my eyes.
I even made up that I wasn’t well physically: “I have a headache, my tummy hurts, something I ate affected me”. Just like that, now wearing a costume of physical symptoms, she got comfortable and expanded.
Still today after so many years, so many stories, so many processes, she cuddles me some mornings. Every time it is less and less intense. Each time less present. But she’s still there, nonetheless.
Even now, after so long she has been telling me her name. The first few times that I heard it, I got scared. I thought that it had to be a mistake. Someone like me who had it all, couldn’t possible have that too. And just like that, every time with more awareness and acceptance, today I can say her name out loud: Depression.
I see my younger self and how she bled in ink over sad poems, filling entire notebooks with pain. That same girl that felt so alone even though she was surrounded by love. The one that felt not seen, not loved, not recognized. Now I see her and her frustration.
How can one be so depressed when there is no actual reason to be so? It was not only having to go through the inexplicable feelings of pain, but not understanding it drove me the most crazy. I couldn’t make peace with the idea of being depressed.
Am I going crazy? Those voices in my mind just won’t leave me alone. What’s happening to me? Why don’t I feel like opening my eyes? Why don’t I want to shower or go out? And just like that, my beloved girl questioned herself, without finding answers.
In the process, I discovered several tools that alleviated my pain. I gained understanding, let go of what didn’t belong to me and honored my process. I looked for help over and over. And still today, I keep on doing it.
When I feel her sitting in my house, I’m no longer scared. I look at her in the eyes and ask her what is she coming to teach me this time. I hug her and I let her stay for a while. I go deep into my own darkness. That void that no one sees, that no one understand and that almost no one knows about. And I stay there for a bit. And a little longer. And I cry and cry and cry. Like a desperate baby calling for her Mom. And then there comes a time in between being suffocated by so much crying and feeling exhausted that I manage to pick up the phone. And I write, I call, I ask for help.
In my moments of clarity I have identified the people that can help me out. Friends or family members that have already been there for me and have helped me to connect previously with my light. That’s why when the wings of depression appear, I go to them. Because now I know that I can’t do it all by myself and that I don’t want to do it all by myself. And I strongly believe that we can help each other greatly. I remember that we all have something to offer.
And just like that, I slowly allow myself to pass on eating up pain alone. To love and loved. To hold and be held. To help and ask for help. And now I understand that even my moments of deepest darkness have brought great gifts.
Now I know with absolute certainty, that every experience brings wonderful lessons that I would never have had if things had been different. I think that it’s so important to be able to openly talk about this topic. It is crucial that those feelings that we usually label as negative start being seen as normal. It is important to have spaces to express and to share because often, the only thing that we need is to know that we are not alone and that we are not the only ones facing life’s thunderstorms.
Today I talk to you
That’s why today I want to make this open call that comes from my soul to whoever is feeling identified with what I’ve felt. You are not alone. I see your pain. I understand how powerless and frustrated you feel.
Today I talk to you. Yes, to you. You who is having a hard time finding reasons to open your eyes every morning. You to whom life has become dull and unnecessary. You who cries in silence and screams in the shower.
You who is constantly feeling that you are suffocating. You who feels this body is so foreign and inhospitable. You who has a shattered heart. You who have lost someone you love. You who is facing the aftermath of what couldn’t be.
You who can’t stop blaming yourself. You who thinks that you are not enough, that you are worth nothing. You who has felt that you lost track, that nothing makes sense anymore. You who feels that you don’t belong anywhere. You who can’t fully understand why you have to go through what you are experiencing.
You who sleeps side to side with doubts. You who feels that uncertainty devours you and lacerates you every instant. You who is so tired. You who doesn’t want to go on anymore. You who moves through sleepless nights and frightening realities. You to whom fear has taken away your strength.
Today I talk to you and I try to reach you where you are. I do it because I too know that place of shadows and ghosts, of insecurities and anxiety. I do it because I think that if you and I know it so well, then we for sure are not alone. In fact, I could affirm that most of those we cross paths with have visited that black hole where dreams are drowned.
I make a bond of love and I extend it to you by inviting you to come on out. To have a walk through the valley of flowers, of smiling children, of love that is possible. With an invisible hug I send you the strength needed to awaken your inner strength so that you can move forward. I scream at you fiercely and ask you not to give up, that you can do it, that you will make it happen. I remind you how valuable you are, how needed you are, how loved you are.
I implore the skies to send you showers of laughter and of tenderness and of wishes that come true. I beg for you to remember your essence of love and the purpose you came to fulfill on Earth. May you body regain its strength and may the willingness to keep moving hug you tight. May you feel the support of all of those who were here before you, those who left and those who still remain. May you always know that you are not alone, that you are not alone, that you are not alone.
You are enough, although it might be hard to believe. You don’t have to do absolutely anything to be loved, respected, accepted, because you already are. Your life is valuable and your existence makes sense. Your presence here is needed. Don’t turn off the light just yet. There will be time later on to rest, to return home, to have other experiences.
Today I talk to you and I say I love you, although our bodies perhaps haven’t met yet. Today I talk to you and I say I’m sorry for everything you have had to face so far. Today I talk to you and I say please forgive me for anything in me that might have caused you pain. Today I talk to you and I simply say thank you for existing.