Depression: a story filled with questions

She is silent. Sometimes, you don’t even see her. She permeates into our souls, our days, our lives. And she remains there, immobile, constant, present.

Yes, I know her well. She was my best companion during my teenage years. She caressed my hair and often, I felt like she made fun of me. I couldn’t share it with anyone. Mainly because I didn’t even know what was happening to me.

Throughout different periods of my life, she became more intense. I tried as much as I could to shake her off, but didn’t manage. And just like that, time kept on going and I think that I learnt how to live with her. When she came out, I just hugged her.

She made me stay in bed. I felt exhausted, hopeless and burnt. Even if there was no external factor around me that initiated it, the constant tears just fired out of my eyes.

I even made up that I wasn’t well physically: “I have a headache, my tummy hurts, something I ate affected me”. Just like that, now wearing a costume of physical symptoms, she got comfortable and expanded.

Still today after so many years, so many stories, so many processes, she cuddles me some mornings. Every time it is less and less intense. Each time less present. But she’s still there, nonetheless.

Even now, after so long she has been telling me her name. The first few times that I heard it, I got scared. I thought that it had to be a mistake. Someone like me who had it all, couldn’t possible have that too. And just like that, every time with more awareness and acceptance, today I can say her name out loud: Depression.

I see my younger self and how she bled in ink over sad poems, filling entire notebooks with pain. That same girl that felt so alone even though she was surrounded by love. The one that felt not seen, not loved, not recognized. Now I see her and her frustration.

How can one be so depressed when there is no actual reason to be so? It was not only having to go through the inexplicable feelings of pain, but not understanding it drove me the most crazy. I couldn’t make peace with the idea of being depressed.

Am I going crazy? Those voices in my mind just won’t leave me alone. What’s happening to me? Why don’t I feel like opening my eyes? Why don’t I want to shower or go out? And just like that, my beloved girl questioned herself, without finding answers.

In the process, I discovered several tools that alleviated my pain. I gained understanding, let go of what didn’t belong to me and honored my process. I looked for help over and over. And still today, I keep on doing it.

When I feel her sitting in my house, I’m no longer scared. I look at her in the eyes and ask her what is she coming to teach me this time. I hug her and I let her stay for a while. I go deep into my own darkness. That void that no one sees, that no one understand and that almost no one knows about. And I stay there for a bit. And a little longer. And I cry and cry and cry. Like a desperate baby calling for her Mom. And then there comes a time in between being suffocated by so much crying and feeling exhausted that I manage to pick up the phone. And I write, I call, I ask for help.

In my moments of clarity I have identified the people that can help me out. Friends or family members that have already been there for me and have helped me to connect previously with my light. That’s why when the wings of depression appear, I go to them. Because now I know that I can’t do it all by myself and that I don’t want to do it all by myself. And I strongly believe that we can help each other greatly. I remember that we all have something to offer.

And just like that, I slowly allow myself to pass on eating up pain alone. To love and loved. To hold and be held. To help and ask for help. And now I understand that even my moments of deepest darkness have brought great gifts.

Now I know with absolute certainty, that every experience brings wonderful lessons that I would never have had if things had been different. I think that it’s so important to be able to openly talk about this topic. It is crucial that those feelings that we usually label as negative start being seen as normal. It is important to have spaces to express and to share because often, the only thing that we need is to know that we are not alone and that we are not the only ones facing life’s thunderstorms.