We all have emotional wounds. These are formed in our early childhood, depending on the relational dynamics that we have with our main caregivers. Throughout life, we are reproducing, over and over, situations that bring us closer to this wound.
It is the unconscious need to repeat the pattern. This fulfills a need to feel safe, for us as human beings. The repetition of behaviors is related to survival. We do the things we know, the familiar things. We use, precisely, the defense mechanisms that we created when we were children and that allowed us to face, in the best way we could, the early experiences that could cause us pain.
Unquestionably, each one of us has had our own experiences, has been immersed in a unique family system, within specific social and cultural norms. Therefore, each one of us has a particular way of managing the situations that life presents. It would be simplistic to label and wrap a box and pretend that we have all experienced the same thing. However, there are 5 emotional wounds that we all, as human beings, share.
With each wound, there is also a defense mechanism that we create to manage it. It seems counterproductive that, in order to avoid at all costs that our fear becomes reality, what we do, in reality, is to perpetuate it. And, thus, we create repetitive situations in which we relive our wound, until we can understand it and transcend it.
The 5 wounds live inside each one of us. Depending on each case, there may be one stronger than another. Or, perhaps, there may be two that are equally important. What’s key is to have a broader understanding that leads us to know each other better. To know that what we live as children continues to affect us today and that being aware of this is the first great step to healing.
1. Fear of abandonment:
This wound is related to children who felt deep loneliness. It is created, generally, between 0 and 3 years of age. Perhaps one of the parents was not present, or, even when they physically were, there was a great emotional barrier, which did not allow the child to feel his presence fully. It usually occurs predominantly with the parent of the opposite sex. Its mask or defense mechanism is dependence. This makes them emotionally dependent on their partners and their closest circle. They feel that they really can not manage by themselves.
2. Fear of rejection
It is generated from the moment of conception, until the first year of age. It is lived, mainly, with the parent of the same sex. The feeling is one of non-acceptance, feeling that they are not fully accepted by the caregiver. This can happen for man reasons, for example, when the mother has just given birth and she has a lot of pain and she can’t hold the baby, or in the case of a depression on the part of the parent. The mask is escaping. People with this wound can isolate themselves, or when they are rejected in adult life, they tend to make a definitive cut or disappear.
3. Fear of betrayal
It originates between 2 and 4 years of age. The child feels that his caregiver has disappointed him. That he can’t trust him, that he has not lived up to expectations. The mask or defense mechanism is control. People with this wound feel a great need to control everything around them. They have a hard time trusting others. They try to impose their point of view and don’t tolerate the lies on the part of others.
4. Fear of humiliation
It is generated between the first and third year of life. They have had an experience of frustration in relation to pleasure. The impossibility to fully enjoy. Their mask is masochism. They put the needs of others before their own. They have an ovey helpful attitude. They panic at enjoyment because they fear that the emotions may overflow them.
5. Fear of injustice
It occurs between 4 and 6 years of age. They have felt that the development of their individuality has been totally curtailed. They have experienced coldness and insensibility on the part of their caregiver. Usually, the parent of the same sex. Their mask is rigidity. They need to live in a perfect world, where, there is no room for pain. They tend to block their sensitivity. And they are very demanding with themselves.
My emotional wound
My emotional wound is, without doubt, the fear of rejection. That fear has led me, for a long time, to be more focused on the other, not to commit totally, not to show me. When I could understand, really, what was happening to me, I discovered a powerful tool. I felt free to know what was happening to me, what defense mechanisms were activated and why. Even today, when I realize that fear of rejection arises, I look at myself with compassion and I tell myself that I am safe, that I am accompanied, that I see myself.
The best therapy to heal our emotional wounds
The first step to heal, is to see. If you felt identified with some of the wounds that I have mentioned here, keep researching about it. Deepen a little more. Identify when it emerged. What happened for your inner child to feel that fear.
There is not a one size fits all way to heal our emotional wounds. They remain with us throughout our lives. However, understanding them, transforms us. Starting a therapeutic process, with a professional who can help us identify what patterns we are repeating and why, is profoundly healing. Ultimately, working on our self-esteem and strengthening our self-love is what reminds us that what we have lived does not define us and that within us we have the power to choose how we want to live our lives.
If you can identify what is your predominant wound and the mechanism that you use, you can transform your life completely and free yourself from the need to reproduce experiences that no longer fulfill a purpose of love in your life. You begin to understand that each experience you have lived has had a reason for being and that you no longer need to continue acting in the same way.
So, little by little, you are peeling more layers and you are getting closer to connecting with your pure essence. That essence that is light, that is love and that is already complete.