Self-growth: 10 tools that helped me get along with myself

By Valentina Carbajal
10/04/2019

I lost count of the amount of people that came out and entered my life. And I’m only 25 years old. So I can intuit – and also because although I did not want to hear it I was warned – it will be a constant. That it will happen to me again. One and a thousand times.

"Unconditional"

1. Absolute, without any restriction. An unconditional friendship
2. Adept to a person or an idea without limitation or any condition.

The definition in the dictionary. Absolutisms have long ceased to be in vogue. Accept someone without any condition, with the infinity of conditions that could exist. Now I think I was childish and naive. That it was clear that someone unconditional was an impossibility.
I think I clung to this idea because I was terrified of being alone. To have so many years ahead and have to make one and a thousand decisions. Need advice, and how could they come to advise me if they did not know all my history. If they had not lived it by my side unconditionally.
I needed to establish “unconditional” links, not to avoid being alone. But because in reality we are never alone. Ultimately, we are always with ourselves. The reality is that back then those people that I invited to be part of my life, I liked them a lot better than myself.
The idea of only being able to count on me until the end of my days was unbearable. I was not reliable, nor intelligent, nor kind, nor generous. I did not take care of myself. What would happen to me if those other people were not there to rescue me from boycotting myself?

Goodbyes

I focused on being the best company for everyone else, I left myself aside. The best friend, the best girlfriend. That nobody could reproach me anything. The perfection, the fidelity, the integrity Everything and more so that they would not let go of my hand and leave me alone in a world that made me so afraid.
But life happens and people fight, change, make mistakes, choose other ways. On some occasions I could have done more. I feel guilt. I learned of the loss and as we get closer to today I have a clear conscience that in every goodbye I gave everything and that there are things that are simply not meant to be. Or that they complete their cycle.
I read once that a soulmate is not the one who accompanies you till death. It is someone who one day enters your life, gives you a great lesson and then goes on his way. I try to embrace that idea until it becomes true. Becomes my truth. There are days when I get it, others I do not.
At some point I understood that life is unpredictable and often exceeds fiction. That you do not have to give anything – or anyone – for granted.
There is another phrase, this one more trite, that I also read around: you can not love anyone if you do not love yourself first. Are not the clichés truths repeated a thousand times, vestiges of collective knowledge?

My 10 infallible tools of personal growth

1. Meditation

A thousand hours would not be enough to explain the incredible benefits that this practice has brought to my life. It was undoubtedly a before and after and has the advantage of presenting more tangible effects than the other practices.It gives me peace, it brings me down to earth, it allows me to see things with perspective. What amazed me the most when I started was the possibility to silence the incessant voice in my head. I did not think that was possible, it is.Now I meditate every morning. Let the days begin with positive energy. I also feel that it helps me regulate my sleep cycle and my digestive system.

2. Therapy

Here began my path of personal development. The first step was to go to therapy. The second: lead a more conscious life and above all incorporate the wonderful habit of meditation.
The two people who opened those two paths for me are no longer part of my life, from here I smile and thank them.
I started working on my relationship with me, quite skeptical at first. But that is the good thing about despair: one is willing to try anything. Even befriending oneself.

On my trip I “discovered” some tools that helped me achieve my goal. I put it in quotes because I did not discover gunpowder. But there are things that no matter how much we hear them, we have to live them in the flesh to be able to be an experiential witness of its wonderful positive effects.

Receiving professional help is one of the best decisions I ever made. There are people who are prepared to accompany you in your process, you do not have to suffer alone. Give yourself the opportunity to explore several options until you find the therapist that resonates with you and that inspires you confidence, this is of vital importance to achieve good results.
Do not be discouraged if you have to do several interviews, in the end it will be worth it. Remember that a psychiatric therapy is always an accessory to a psychological therapy. Do not consume psychotropic drugs without receiving a psychological accompaniment in parallel.

3. The power of nature

I always considered myself a city girl. I still do. But there is something in me that happens when I throw myself on the ground to watch the swing of the treetops or feel the murmur of the waves. There are many studies that talk about the benefits of contact with nature or a sea bath. But I think that nothing is more convincing than living it. The next time you are stressed or distressed, try going to the beach or a nearby park for a moment and see how you feel in that environment.

4. A conscious diet is an act of love

Nobody loves junk food more than me. I will not come here to tell you to eliminate the pizza from your lives. Just share that when I’m not going through a good time I try to reinforce even more the presence of fruits and vegetables in my diet. They make me feel lighter and at the same time, stronger. Basically, if I already feel bad I try not to feel worse. If there is something that is harming me, I take care of myself.

5. Working out

This is especially for two things: to quiet the mind and to ensure a good night rest. I prefer to unload the energy running than to be until 5am going over and over what’s stressing me out.
Take the time to discover which of all the thousands of possibilities that exist vibrate more with you. Also give yourself the opportunity to do it at your own pace and in the intensity and frequency that works for you. Do not compare yourself with others.

6. The importance of letting go

I mean letting go in two senses. On the one hand let go of everything that fulfilled its cycle. But more importantly: let go of what you have locked in your throat. Say everything you have to say, take it out so that it does not continue to grow inside of you. Externalize.
Sometimes it is not possible to have a face-to-face exchange or we do not feel prepared. Writing or saying things out loud are two tools that help me not to carry things that do not belong to me. Remember: what resists, persists.

7. Music as a remedy

Another category with infinite possibilities. From the music of your childhood to new concepts of music that works certain vibrations such as mantras or classical music. There are times when we are tired of talking or we no longer have anything to say. Music is a way of feeling and letting go. Embrace the journey proposed by the melody, not present resistances. And do not forget to play.

8. Gratitude

Thanks is one of the most powerful words I know. Gratitude is a feeling that swells your lungs and draws a smile on your face. It does not matter if you do not feel it at first. When you smile and express gratitude your body interprets it. Let yourself be carried away in the opposite order and eventually, it will become real. Fake it till you make it.

9. Drinking enough water

We should always drink water. But at times when I feel upset or distressed I try to get away from other drinks whether alcoholic or stimulating. These second ones include soft drinks that have large amounts of sugar and also coffee or tea. By drinking water I give my body what it needs. Other types of drinks can affect my sleep cycle or intensify feelings of anxiety or discomfort.

10. Everything happens for a reason

This is one of the most important points and at the same time probably the most difficult because it requires a lot of certainty. Having grown up in an atheist home, this concept has been one of the most challenging to incorporate into my life. But through many readings and experiences I understood that faith exceeds religions and that there is a reason why it touches so many people. Having faith that everything happens for a reason gives me so much comfort in the worst moments. And also remember that whenever it rained, it stopped.

The cluster of these practices help you have a good night’s sleep. Sleeping is essential for our bodies because it is the moment we recharge and process. It is essential to overcome any problem. It is important to understand that time and space are relative. Each process is unique and will take the time that corresponds.

The present

Today I’m somewhere else. I enjoy my company infinitely and I trust myself. The future does not paralyze me because I know I have a great traveling companion. I understood the difference between being alone and being lonely. And I think that my environment also feels it and has benefited from it.

I am infinitely grateful for those who are no longer with me. I am infinitely grateful for those who are. But I know I do not need them. I choose them. And I think that is much more meritorious. This includes friends and family that were always there, also new acquisitions and all that will come. I receive them with open arms.

I am not made of stone, the blows continue to hurt but they no longer have the capacity to destroy me. My peace and happiness reside somewhere in my interior and are protected by a great strength that I continue to work on every day. And my strength also feeds on my vulnerability. That’s why I share these words today.

I do not have the absolute truth. And that’s fine

I do not have all the answers. And that’s fine

I do not know if it will last a thousand years or a day. I accept it. Be. Here and now. That’s what it is about.

Infinite thanks.