It’s okay not to know. It’s okay to have no idea where you’re going or what is the next step to follow. Yes, uncertainty is terrifying, but what would happen if we embraced it as an important part of life, where, in reality, all possibilities exist?
We live in a world where we need certainties. Where we have to control every step, every situation, every experience. And, if we can, each person around us too. Society demands results and the vast majority enter that game where we lose the joy, peace and harmony that are brought by the present moment, occupying ourselves with a future that does not arrive.
We falsely believe that everything must be known. That we have to have life resolved. That we have to decide if the person we are with is the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with. That we have to be clear on where we see each other in 5 years or 10. That we have to determine if we lay the foundations forever in the place where we live now.
I have to admit that that, too, was my modus operandi. I was desperately looking for answers to all the questions that could be raised, so as not to fall into a vacuum, into silence, into nothingness. Little did I know that in that relentless search I lost more and more and filling up nights full of insomnia without stopping, having galloping thoughts in search of options and actions. The uncertainty ate me up. It made me crazy.
Anxiety episodes. Sudden anguish. Reflux. A hiatus hernia. Amenorrhea. Cysts in the ovaries. Thyroid nodules. Thyroid goiter. Kidney stones. Aggressive migraines. Weakness. Nauseas. And so, my body was filled with ailments and discomforts. It screamed at me, in the best way that it could for me to stop, so that I could let myself fall into the uncertainty of life. Reminding me that I didn’t have to control everything, to know everything.
I did not contemplate inaction. Something always had to be happening in my life. I always had to know what the next step was. I had a millimetrically planned agenda where every action, meeting or break was marked. That gave me a false sense of control.
And then, panic caused by planes started. The fear of suddenly falling and being suspended in nothingness. The anticipation of suffering. Fearing that something terrible would happen to my loved ones. Not being able to fully enjoy because the future was so uncertain that something horrible, really horrible, could happen suddenly.
And there, in that abyss of shadows where I reacted or lost myself, I saw the light. I understood, fortunately, that in those moments of uncertainty there were infinite treasures. That in letting go there was peace. That in not knowing I could finally rest and allow myself to simply live.
I could clearly see that anticipating life was of no use. That, on the contrary, it was completely taking my strength away. And I started to befriend uncertainty. To snuggle with it on the couch. To let it introduce me to my fears, to recognize them.
And I began to feel secure, protected and, ironically, safe. And then the true certainty came along, giving me the understanding that there is a larger order that moves life. That there is no need to ask the heart to beat, or the mind to think, or the eyes to see. The roots of the trees do not yell at the leaves, asking them to grow faster, nor do they wonder if they will actually bear fruit. The sea is not asking the water to calm down, it lets it be just as it is. With its tides and its calmness.
When observing nature I remembered that the only real thing is this present moment. That I am part of life itself and that I could change my horror scenes for scenes of optimism and trust. A dear friend once told me that in music, silence is as important as the melody and those words have echoed in my soul forever. That silence that encompasses everything is the fertile cradle of opportunities. It is the great promise of life. It is to allow cycles to start and end when they have to.
It is to remember that after the darkest point of the night, the sun always rises. That after the storm, calm comes. And, here we add all those phrases of popular wisdom that remind us that nothing is forever. Neither the good nor what we conceive as bad and that, as human beings, we came here to experience everything, to enjoy everything, to embrace everything.
Uncertainty is a great teacher. It reminds us that we really do not control anything. That we don’t have to do it. That when, in addition, we allow ourselves to say openly and with pride: “I don’t know,” others are inspired to do the same. And then, we are growing all together. And we are allowing ourselves to be more compassionate, more empathetic, more sincere.
When we stop and return to the present, there is an inner little voice that lulls us, that comforts us, that reminds us that we are not alone. To me, looking at uncertainty in the eyes has completely transformed me. It has allowed me to remember the magical fragility of the human experience and at the same time, it has led me to enjoy life more fully.
I walk one step at a time. And often, I stop and feel as long as I need it. And I open myself to learn, to discover, to know. And, with humility, I admit that I know very little. That I did not come here to teach anything nor to prove anything. I am here to share, to inspire, to love. And for that, I need only be alive and embrace what life brings me in every moment.
Therefore, I invite you, with love, to allow yourself to fully enjoy this time in between, no matter what you are going through right now. Of not knowing, of not having everything clear. Embrace yourself with your confusion. Let the doubts settle. And rest. Yes, rest, in the certainty that this absolute truth brings: all possibilities lie in uncertainty.